YOU HAVE TO DANCE LIKE NOBODYS WATCHING

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 05:07:21 GMT

its been a while. its been a long while. so its over and the twin and i are once and for a while single. its tough man. i cant say i like being like this. i cant stand to constantly think about him and want him back so badly and finally feel like i cant have him. it hit me tonight that i cant have him back and i probably wont get him back as much as i want him. and as my twin says its not meant to be and everyone else says its not to be i feel like i didnt fight enough to make it work.

i miss having that great love. and when i was with him i felt like i couldve had a great love with him. i felt like that first week of being with him it was the begining of that great love. i miss the butterflies and the nervousness and the excitement of getting to see him. now all i feel is unmotivated and sick and sad and lonely. i felt like i had something to wake up to in the morning and someone to love and someone who loves me and wakes up in the morning for me as well but thats all taken away for some stupid reason and its awful. i dont like being single like this. i dont like being sad. i dont like missing someone i cant have.

im going out of town to detox. to stop smoking. to stop drinking. to get my voice back. clear my head. and come back full throttle. i have to get spence a ticket to come here in june and then buy a ticket to LA for after he leaves. i need to get out of new york for a bit. i need to go somewhere and do nothing and be reminded of nobody and shut down.

so cheers to being single. to a short detox. to sun and beach. to my mom getting healthy and not drinking. to a new slate of pounding pavement and going after everything i moved here for.

i love my twin! ho!

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 07:11:48 GMT

its days like this that remind me of why i love life so much. i really realize my friends are my family and i dont know where i'd be without the people in my life like my twin or like my big bro. and then to come home, after such a wonderful and sober night of reality and sitting outside in the cold talking about how good life is, to this wonderful dog that i have. who jumped all over me so excited im home. and i think ok hes hungry. i put food infront of him and he still plays with me. i think ok hes thirsty he wants water. i put it down and he still is stuck to me. and i realize its love. hes happy im home with him. its just a night that really changes things and perspectives and how u look at things. and i really couldnt be happier with things right now. and it makes me even more glad to know i dont have everything because i can be so happy and so in love with life without having everything i want. i havent felt like this in such a long time.

cheeseball....

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 05:36:54 GMT

" it feels like every line in an 80's movie starts with "god im late for school!"- gelpi

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 05:18:03 GMT

puppies puppies everywhere!

my head hurts.
clobbys an idiot.
i hate moving.
my hair is a mess.
everyone is coming to new york soon.
and we've got puppies everywhere!!!!
im hungry.

j'en ai assez!

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 07:08:45 GMT

soooo valentines day. one of the most lonely days ever. its really the ting where i realize how lonely i am. and i never cope with how i feel about that but today i sat back and was like wow. and it sucks. and i feel scared and just alone and it hurts a little because i feel like im doing something wrong but i know deep down its just not time....cuz if it were time...i would have someone.

so i smile and laugh and nod and try to make everyone elses bad valentines better. and that makes me happy a little.

i love my twin so much. and i wish i could give her everything he doesnt give her cuz she deserves it more than anyone. but all i can do is sit and hope one day hell grow the fuck up....and save her with milano cookies at 930pm. :) i love you twinny!

so here comes the valentines day aftermath. the next couple of days where you deal with the fact that valentines is over and though its a silly holiday...you realize and see how it came and went and if it was happy or lonely or sad and wish for what you really wish what happened yesterday (vday) will happen next valentines.

i know its just a silly holiday...but as much as you can roll your eyes and say 'god its a fucking holiday! its just another day in your life!' ..... you know it really means something.

laugh on children.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 15:06:42 GMT

cupid forgot me this year! :( booooo.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:59:33 GMT

happy birthday jessie carvajal!!!!!

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 01:41:13 GMT

The National Weather Service said 26.9 inches of snowfall was measured in Central Park at 4:10 p.m., exceeding the previous record of 26.4 inches, set in December 1947. - new york times

today was one of the bestest days ever! i woke up around 10 pm cuz my twin called about the snow. with her on the phone i got out of bed to look outside and i couldnt find the furniture on my terrace cuz it was burried under the snow! it was an absolutely amazing sight.
around 11 i got on the train and bus over to the east side to play in the snow with my twin. we made a busted ass miami snowman and after a while we both froze and went back to her place and drank hot chocolate and watched movies.

what a great day! :)

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 01:44:24 GMT

i miss the good ol days of summer. i miss the parties on the terrace. i miss the chill exclusive fun. but things changed. and people are fighting. and it hurts because i wish things could be the way they were. but they wont be again i dont think. and i guess im changing too. i have new things in my life. new resolutions. new shedule and promises and things to look forward to and think about. so i guess it all goes hand in hand.

im moving to 102nd street and broadway on march 1. im getting a dog. a new bed. a new home. a new life.

valentines day is coming up. and though i dont like to think about it because ive never had a boyfriend on valentines day it cant help but haunt me walking in the store and seeing valentines crap all over the place. sigh.

going to a bar on 109th tonight to play pool with mara and some friends from fordham. i miss my twin! :(

good times.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:42:19 GMT

i woke up at 515 this morning. its now 635. i have 10 minutes to put my bags of music, shoes and my outfit together. i hope in march they call. i hope i book that job. i felt so good for getting so far and that it just sucks to come out of that with nada. i guess i should be happy for how far i got at least.
i went to the roof 10 minutes ago to watch the run slowly rise over queens/brooklyn. the moon is slowly creeping its way over jersey to come back in 24 hours over queens/brooklyn. i think its one of the most beautiful thing in the world, the sun setting and rising. its amazing.

and at 645 ill leave my apartment to go to this audition. at 645. i feel like im in high school again accept this is real life and i have to do this to get what i want. i hate waking up early. one day i wont have to wake up so early and do this every fucking day. i wish this was all easier.

the weather is beautiful. cold and sunny...just how i like it.

she got so wasted last night she fell in the bathtub. and i felt my heart stop as i heard her fumble hard and then silence. so i walked over to the bathroom to find her (thank god) shes still alive and just sitting there. i got so mad i turned the shower on her. i dont understand why she hates me so much.

IM off!!! wish me luck.

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:57:52 GMT

ive come to the terms that im a little lonely in the significant other department. i miss having someone to love. i miss having someone to hold and his and someone who holds me. its gotten to the point where i feel im going crazy, looking a random guys on the street thinking 'hm i could date him....if only i knew him....' and the investment banker who works right outside my office i believe has a crush on me. and hes cute. and hes sweet. and hes independently wealthy. and hes funny. and i can wear heels with him. and he unfortunately told me yesterday that hes 36. theres no way he could be that. but thats just creepy in the sense that hes twice my age. sigh. not even a possibility.

i want a boyfriend. someone hold me!

and then on the brighter side...

im finding out who my friends are. and sorting out my priorities and i dont think i could be happier. my twin and i have been hanging out more which is great. we got our stumble and hookah on down in the village tuesday night with rachel and her boyfriend. lots of fun. i missed rachel. it feels great so see people from miami here. its just a sort of comfort that nobody can really fill.

the office is....boring. we hired an assistant for me. shes good. but now i have like....no work. though yesterday i wish she was here because i had no sleep and my brain was mushy. my boss, allan, brought me tulips yesterday. theyre gorgeous flowers. i never really realized how gorgeous tulips are. i think theyre my new favorite under sunflowers. i LOVE sunflowers and the winter being here makes me miss them even more because theyre not on the street anymore :(

i have to go fix the computer.

peace

childlike wildlife- jason mraz

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:44:49 GMT

Well I guess I'll treat her right
I guess I'll treat her right more this time
I'll try not to rely
Try not to rely on the perfect line
And I see no boundaries
Except for the ones I'm in
And I don't expect you to overcome them
For that's my job description

In a world of players and private eyes
Unless you realize this
There's a whole lot you could miss
Do you know which one I am
I am the cigarette smoking man
Once an hour I light the flower
And burn baby burn

When is it your turn
Lord tell me when the sun goes down
Cause I feel much better then anyway
Well I see much much better then anyway
Well I feel exposed
Although I feel at home
Dressed as a black plastic rose
All flowing head shoulders knees and toes
We dance, we dance, we play, we rant and rave

Oh this childlike wildlife is flooring me
Oh this childlike wildlife is flooring me

Early in the morning
Late in the evening
Evening, we kinda get delirious
Breaking from the seriousness
I try not to get disoriented

Having chewed too many up on my side
Is it any wonder how I miss your smile
Is it any wonder how I write
Pages layered upon pages
Which to no one else but me can be accounted for
For this moments sake

I do not become me
For path tunnels or straightaways
I do not watch as often as I should
So instead I sketch my life a comfortable creature
Slow and beautifully
Oh the smell and tastes of the past nights
Well they're still locked up in my gentle jaw

Not that I am wanting them to go
Just that they are
And I'm very much aware
The madness of slow motion as you move your legs to walk
I'm very much aware
Of this madness when you talk

This childlike wildlife is flooring me
Oh this childlike wildlife is flooring me

We dance, we play
Oh lord we rant and rave
We dance and we play always

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 20:36:03 GMT

the snow looks like little diamonds as the wind carries it off the rooftops into the air amidst the sunlight. and at night on the ground the snow turns this electric blue from the light of the moon. These are the little things I love about winter in new york.

Things have been fine. Ive been hanging out with my twin a lot which makes me happy cuz i do love her and did miss her a lot in the fall/summer. We went to soho after chorus line auditions yesterday and got my ipod fixed. So now I'm uploading songs back onto it, waiting for the timer to go off to wash out my hair dye, and writing this LJ entry.

It still hurts a little to think about him and how things have been going. He leaves in a couple weeks for india. I may be going to LA next weekend or the week after....and I miss him already.

I miss being able to wear tshirts... my ashtray is stuck frozen to the table outside.

Time to wash out the hair.

Peace

and you coming back to me is against all odds...

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 02:55:07 GMT

were back to where we ended. i thought we changed. but i guess that was just an interlude. when we talked i literally felt sick to my stomach. still do. i dont want to wake up tomorrow morning to have to tell him the truth. i want to lie and say everything is fine and im cheery and im liz and i wont miss kissing him and i wont miss holding his hand and i never adored him.

i feel sick and lost.

and you coming back to me now is against all odds. thats a chance ill have to take. take a look at me now.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 23:03:47 GMT

i had a great new years. full of scotch and awful champagne and more scotch and kisses at midnight and dancing and illegal fireworks. im absolutely happy with everything thats going on right now. i have a new year. a new start. im going to stay in my apartment for as long as i can take it. i think im going to go to school in the fall part time so i can audition. my twin helped me with that and god i love my twin so much!

as for my resolutions:

-dance and work out more with my twin. gotta find a gym with a sauna and some karate and kickboxing classes.

-drink more evian and take care of myself better.

-stop biting nails. ( i stopped bout 2 weeks ago)

-go out with my twin more!!!!

so thats my plan.

im a little sicky from last night so ive been drinking water and eating waffles all day.

im glad to be home.

bring it on 06'!

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 14:15:08 GMT

so im back home and its the greatest feeling in the whole world. there arent words to express how much i love this city. im just glad to be back. my mom came back with me. which is a little bothersome but im going to try to make the best of it. yesterday i got a haircut and went to ballet. after lonna called and we WERE gonna see a movie but being that its friggin new york on a friday night...everything was sold out. so we went to some tapas bar place for cosmos and then hookah after. it was the perfect girls night out to welcome us back to the city.

this morning i woke up to snow falling outside my window.

i love ny

happy new year guys!

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 07:13:12 GMT

today...i woke up too early to take a kickboxing class that was insane. my body aches. its a crazy work out. felt good though. then did some christmas shopping and took joey out to dinner at houstons. we surprised brendan. then the three of us, as a trio reunited, went to see memoirs of a geisha at sunset with jo's brother and his friends. the movie was...too long, should have been in japanese with english subtitles, and we ended up making fun of it midway through the movie to keep our spirits up, and to stay awake. now im home.

going to the keys tomorrow. one of my favorite things to do, and it sounds lame but sure, is get a silly motor boat in the keys and dock it out on a sandbar in the middle of the ocean and stay there all day. so mom and i are doing that tomorrow. spence will come if he can wake up that early. im excited for that.

i cant wait to go back to new york. i miss him so much. i miss looking into his eyes laughing and feeling like everything is alright.

its late.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 04:55:38 GMT

miami.

where you can go to sleep with your windows wide open...to wake up to a shower at 3am on your face and in your bed...and wonder what happened because the sky looks as you left it 2 hours ago.

its not as beautiful here as i left it. (just like when i sleep...get rained on and wake up like WTF just happened)

miami doesnt feel like home anymore. its not home in my house. its more like a home away from home. but home has turned into new york. as i've left, grown, lived, cried, laughed, and come back here to everything that hasnt grown, lived, cried and laughed. nothing has changed. accept Patio and Things isnt on le jeune anymore. it moved across the street from Books and Books. theres a public parking garage that wasnt here when i left it...and theres an American Apparel and a Coldstone on Miracle Mile. it's the strangest thing. and its not home. but its nice.

since ive left i've turned into a carrie bradshaw. the great loves and relationships, the hurts and tears, the manolo blahniks i shouldnt buy, and the great apartment. now i come to miami and im suddenly Ali from The Notebook. rejected because my boyfriend isnt in "my class". and it hurts. it hurts to hear my mom try and set me up with this boy who works for the new york times, straight out of princeton and has money. its just truly...impossible to make her happy. and its truly impossible to have a dinner with my family that doesnt end up in one of us walking home from dinner in fury.

every night now i go to the golf course with my lovely dog, fossee, and stare at the stars and the moon. theres just something bout the sky at night that calms me and brings me to a peace that i can't get anywhere else.

i came home tonight from an arguement with my mom because she doesnt like that carlos isnt in my "class". she says im not me anymore. and she wants elizabeth back. i dont know....how to please her. after my day of shopping up a storm of things i want for christmas and the very beautiful and expensive locket ive wanted for all my life. she yells at me that carlos will never be able to buy me these things and carlos is poor and carlos is this and that. besides the fact that he's not (and hes not rich but still), i still dont understand why its such a problem. im not getting married to him. its not like im banking on marrying someone whos going to buy me everything in the world. i have everything i need. i want my own money and im going to make my own career and i'll marry who i please and love. i dont see how she can sit and judge me like this while shes the one who married a painter/man who draws cartoons for a living. (not to say he hasnt turned into a brilliant artist who i love and who funds my life and more) but people always start from the bottom of somewhere. dont they?

so i sat on my golf course and thought. and then he called me. i asked him to make me laugh and he told me the tomato kAtchup joke that i love. and i dont think anyone in the world at that moment could have made me laugh so much but him. and it felt great. it was like he put glue on this missing piece of my heart that some day i'll find and be able to jumble back together.

i walked calmly back into the house. watched 'Its a Wonderful Life', with jimmy stuart and donna reed, and came back to my sense of reality...

...i'll never be able to make her happy.

so i'll sleep on that and write some more in the morning.

ta ta

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 20:52:18 GMT

8 Firsts...
First Boyfriend: real boyfriend... noah
First Kiss: second grade behind the sky ride with christopher muller lol
First Screen Name: dont remember
First Pet: scotty the guinea pig
First Piercing: ears when i was 8 or 10... dont remember
First Crush: bryan in 2nd grade
First Music: my first cd was the titanic sountrack. i loved the irish music from the movie....
First Car: sigh....

7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: bout an hour ago on my dad's porch
Last alcoholic beverage: black and tan at the heights last week
Last Car Ride: on the way to dinner with laura from spencer's show
Last Kiss: carlos at the airport on friday :(
Last Movie Seen: syriana (amazing! )
Last Phone Call: julius and i catching up this morning.
Last CD Played: Split EP by Owen

6 Have You Evers....
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: nope...
Have You Ever Broken the Law: lol...j walking...drinking...smoking...
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: yes!!!!
Have You Ever Been on TV: yep
Have You Ever Tripped Over Your Own Feet: of course.

5 Things....
5 Things You're Wearing: flip flops, dress, underwear, bra, and a necklace my brother gave me a year ago.
5 Things You've Done Today: woke up, showered, layed out in the sun a bit, took the dog for a walk, vaccumed the house
5 Things You Can't Live Without: the arts, love, blacks, my friends and family, new york city
5 Places You've Been to: france, germany, pittsburg, boston, maine
5 Places You'd Like To Go: portugal, greece, malaysia, vietnam, france (again)

4 favorite things In NO Order:
1. laughter
2. kissing someone you love or like a lot
3. dancing
4. sleeping

3 People You Can Tell *Almost* Anything To:
1. laura
2. lonna
3. charlie

2 Choices...
1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: cold

1 Thing You Want to Do Before You Die: find someone who i'll love and make happy and will love me and make me happy, and spend the rest of my life with them (cheezy..huh?)

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 13:16:26 GMT

im coming home on friday. and im excited to go back home to what i know best and the family i love with the crazy dog, the huge house, the insane mother, the chill father and loveable brother. and my friends who i feel more safe with than when im around almost anyone. its home. but then im leaving my other home. of which ive built over the past 4 years and love more than anything in the world because its my world. im going to miss him a lot. i can't stand the days that i dont see him.
i think tonight is going to be the last night i'll see him until i come back and i cant bear to think bout not seeing him. :( he makes me so happy. and when he walks me home and kisses me at the bottom of my stoop...i do everything in my will to let him go. it kills me really. hes a keeper.

i have to go to work. at work i have to memorize a 3-5 minute monologue by 5pm. i think i'll leave work early or something. god. stress.

my manager took me to a show last night and i met marla schaffel and maya days who are both the most amazing singers EVER. what a night.

<3

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:54:03 GMT

there are about a thousand leaves left on the tree outside my window. all slowly dying because of the cold. and somehow i wish i could take that tree to miami and make it green again. im going to miami on friday. :) i can't wait and somehow i dont want to leave now. i guess i want to avoid all the talks to come of life and love and why. but then facing them would be the best thing in the world for it.

meeting this manager today for lunch. i hope things go well and i get something out of it. like a contract maybe? that would sure be swell.

seeing carlos tonight after he works.

i bought gloves from the gap the other day and after i bought them (yes i did try them on) i realized that the thumb is too big so i have to take them back and exchange them for gloves from gap kids. because the adult gloves dont fit me. yay for gap kids. or i could just give the gloves to hadley and buy new ones. that works too.

chris comes back today. excited for that.

i have to find a 3-5 minute monologue for acting tomorrow. any suggestions?

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 19:26:38 GMT

it snowed last night. like really really snowed. bout an inch of snow on my terrace. and when he dropped me off at 7 in the morning, while the snow was still blue from the moonlight, he got out ot the car and we kissed. and there was something in the snowflakes last night that made everything so perfect.

going grocery shopping cuz my fridge looks HOMELESS!!!!

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 05:57:30 GMT

so he makes me happy. we havent kissed yet. we just completed date 2. and i can deal without the kiss because we had those moments. those moments where you just look into someone's eyes and everything stops and you feel safe. i feel safe when im with him. i hope things work out somehow.

i leave for florida in a week from friday. im gonna come back before new years cuz i have an audition thats "early january". since i dont know when that is...naturally im coming before new years. and the boy asked if i'd be here for new years...i said "most likely" and he seemed happier about my going away. yes i told him today. im kind of awful bout leaving guys i get involved with.

still have no singing voice. getting the speaking voice back.

just switched jobs so things have been hectic and tiring. havent really seen anyone lately. its been a little lonely.

almost done with season 2 of the OC.

work is great. i have my own office now. instead of a desk in a lobby type thing like i used to have. going to court tomorrow morning with the boss. have to see him at 8 am. so i have to wake up at 6am to get ready and awake and drop off stuff at the laundramat.

last saturday i dropped my checking card and my check from the gap on the street. luckily i dropped it infront of my bank of america and a couple turned in the lost card and it was destroyed so nobody used it. which was nice. but its been difficult cuz i have to manually take out money from a teller now. as for my check from the gap...that sucks. it was a lot of money. i put a stop payment on it on monday. im praying it wasnt cashed.

besides the fact that mom and i are fighting constantly (because of the distance), im happy with life right now. i feel hopeful and destined.

"smile like you mean it"

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 06:10:01 GMT

in light of all the bad things that are happening in my life...i met a great guy, went on a great date, and can't wait to see him again. im dead. work in the morning.

i got sick and now have no voice.

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 18:37:22 GMT

so last night went to the bronx. the hideous unbearable bureau that i never go to. chris surprised me with lucas and yara. lucas who i had no idea was in town. we went to a bar that all the fordham kids go to. which was ummm fun i guess? i forget what its called. the place is a meat (or meet?) market and i felt gross being sized up by almost ever guy in the room. everyone there is just looking to get drunk and hook up with some random person...whick is not my style really so it was awkward. so we drank beer...got our stumble on and went back to the city (home...:) ). it was a hot mess. and this morning is one of those hungover mornings where i wish starbucks delivered.

going skating with lonna today when i get my shit together and shower. and then i'll probably keep it central and chill at my place otnight. cuz god knows i have work tomorrow. yaaay. and tomorrow is some holiday meeting/party AFTER work...which sucks because i dont wanna go but my managers asked me to model the pea coats in the fashion show theyre doing tomrrow so yea i gotta go now. :0/

watching the leaves outside turn yellow...its pretty fun. woot. party...

ok ima shower and go skating.

ciaozerz